Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Split Personality

Sometimes I feel like I have a split personality--or even multiple personalities. Like I cannot possibly please everyone with just my one own true self. I know this is a weakness of mine. If people knew what I was really thinking, all the time, they probably would not like me. So, instead of alienating most of my family and my husband's family (which sometimes happens anyway because I try too hard and that always backfires), I try to adapt to what I think people want from me. Most people know I am very opinionated, it is how I express those opinions that makes the difference. Sometimes when I write emails, the truer side of me comes out... or at least I think it does because people often misinterpret my intentions. They are expecting someone nicer, more accommodating (more like I am in person) and instead they get a more direct version of me. This confuses, alarms and sometimes angers people (my recent firing of the dreaded "yard lady" by email immediately comes to mind). 

In the past, I have said things that hurt people's feelings, but more often than not, people hurt my feelings and don't even know it. Is that fair to them? Should I be more honest? I think I am protecting myself in not admitting I am hurt... hurt means weak, right? and if there is anything I pride myself on, it is being strong. As a big sister, a boss, a wife, a mother, strength is cherished... but a person cannot always be strong. We can tap into that personality that allows us to be strong, but at what cost to the more timid self? In my case, my angry personality usually rears its ugly head. Sometimes angry gets stuff done, but it is usually very temporary, not a long term solution for sure. All these personalities live inside me, but figuring out which one should present itself at which point in time, especially taking into account the person I am conversing with is like one big statistical nightmare. And that brings up another point... when I am alone, I think I have just one personality. Without the expectations of others, I am calm, life is serene. Again, I know this is my own issue, dealing with life and all its personalities... is what it is all about, for me anyway--it is my ultimate challenge. I am passionate about this challenge and so are the rest of my personalities.

Oh, and by the way, I am going to write a book. I think this will help all my personalities express themselves, but shhh, it's a secret.

1 comment:

Sydney said...

What's it gonna be about? (I won't tell anyone.)